Write, write, write. Your body, your soul wants to write. To let it out. To feel better. But your brain sets up a road block. I don’t know what to write. Where should I start? I don’t have the quote/book/resources/pictures I want to write that.
With each ‘but’ my brain gets cloudier and cloudier and this white wall just forms. It looks kind of like the one in the Matrix when a program was loading in Neo’s brain.
I have so much I could write. So much I want to share, for my own reflection and release, but more importantly for others. Thus, I start thinking about others. What might they want to know – need to know? And once again it’s about someone else. Not me. Not the reason I began this blog once and for all: because I had four strong signs from God, the Universe, whoever you believe in, in one week that I needed to let go of any pretense, any procrastinating reasons, and write, damn it! You’ll figure out what to write when you start writing.
So I did. I created this site in a week, whenever I had a minute to work on it. I was thinking about what I wanted it to be. What I wanted to write about. What I wanted to put out in the world for others to read, enjoy, learn from, think about, feel less lonely during. And it felt good. It felt MINE. Not something for a business. Not something I’ve been told to do. Not something I did the ‘correct’ way. Just MY way.
Until one little piece wasn’t.
I took a break from working on the website one day and felt sick. I was gloomy, foggy, and just felt ‘ick.’ I couldn’t put my finger on why. But I DID put my finger on when.
Just as I was finishing the last thing I worked on with my website I started feeling icky. What was I working on? The sign-up box. Thinking back, I had started feeling anxious and pressured and icky while I was working on that component. But why?
*Ding ding ding*. Ah-hah moment.
Authenticity.
I am currently in a strong pull towards my personal authenticity and I had not been me making that. I had written that short little sign-up sentence based on marketing best practices I had learned once in an entrepreneur workshop.
However, a marketing objective is to promote, to draw in, to sell. And I do NOT sell. I am NOT a salesperson. I HATE telling someone they want or need something, because I don’t know that! No one should get, read, or do something they don‘t want or need – at least not from me. Screw that.
Okay. Problem identified. Inauthenticity located and side effects noted. My body is in this with me and is trying to help my soul get it through my thick skull.
Take Two.
Do I WANT subscribers? Hmmm…I want people to have the option to get important or interesting updates.
Should they? Hmmm…hell if I know. Let them decide.
WHO might want to subscribe for updates from my writing here? Hmmm…People who want to be true to themselves, who might be a little ‘weird’ to the vocal majority, who might want to be connected to others like themselves.
Got it. Clear form. Erase everything. Start over. Deep breath. Speak to the unknown person like I might actually speak to them myself….as H, Heather…not ‘politically correct or best practices’ Dr. H.
After I completely redid the signup block I looked at it again. It’s goofy, it’s very specific to one type of person. It’s not what I’ve been taught. But it IS me: silly but sincere. Join or don’t join, just do you. THAT is authentic H. Wishing others to be their own authentic selves, no matter what that means for me.
The next time I got up and took a breathe from the website I felt much better. Like a breath of fresh air and gentle breeze dissipated the fog and grump. I smiled. Better. Not perfect. But better. Now to file away those physical reactions for next time. Note to self.
Being authentic to myself after 30+ years of adapting to others in an attempt to make them happier or less upset or accepting of me is a hard subconscious habit to break. For nearly two decades it was a survival mechanism. And I got very good at it.
But now? Now it’s a pain in my ass AND not reliable, because others reactions have different meanings than the two or three people I studied SO closely for so long in order to mentally survive. Most people aren’t THOSE people, H…don’t react in immediate self-focused fear and anger.
It’s time to live for me (and my young daughter) – as authentically as possible.
One step at a time. One reaction at a time. One imperfection at a time.
What is something you do that makes you notice your inauthentic behaviors? Writing is slowly becoming my method of signaling old habits. Do you have a method?